Anger Management 2

I went back to my anger management guy’s office and took my place on the sofa. He sat at his desk with his laptop. Or sometimes he would sit in an easy chair with his laptop. I would sit of lie back on the sofa. In one of our early sessions, he took a certain tack with me, perhaps based on my age. He used the “Patience, Grasshopper” line from the old TV show Kung Fu. This was not a bad idea on his part, because I did in fact watch Kung Fu, starring David Carradine, when I was a young boy. (Ironic fun fact: they turned down Bruce Lee for the role in favor of Carradine. Lee would’ve been more authentic, but probably way too intense.) My guy missed on this idea, though, because I considered the line very corny. It had become a meme. I have something of a glass forehead. People can see right through me, especially a person in his profession. Maybe I made a face or wrinkled my nose, but for whatever reason, he dropped the Kung Fu approach.

“How are things going now that you’re back at home?” he asked.

“Not bad,” I replied “all things considered. The attorney told me never to ask my sons about what happened that day. I think he’s worried that I would be accused of witness tampering. But it’s kind of hard, seeing that we live in the same house. For the most part we are all ignoring that elephant in the room. I take my kids to hockey and scouts and all the other normal activities, at least on the weekends. Monday through Thursday nights during the week I’m at Group Substance Abuse, so that’s sort of a safe time.”

“Oh, your kids play hockey?” he asked.

“Yes and it’s funny because I didn’t play hockey when I was a kid. My parents couldn’t afford to put five kids in hockey. But I did love to play street hockey, and at school we also played floor hockey in the winter. I enjoyed that quite a bit. We even had an intramural floor hockey league and I played that.”

“Okay,” he said, and he decided, it was clear to me, to ditch the ‘Patience Grasshopper’ routine for good. He deftly substituted it with what he called a ‘scrimmage’. “Here’s what I’d like you to do,” he said “whenever you find yourself challenged, and feel like you may respond with anger, instead think of it as a scrimmage opportunity. Sort of a test before the big game. You want to see this as an opportunity to test your ability not to become angry. So think of all human interaction from the standpoint of Game Theory. Each practice, each scrimmage, is preparation for The Big Game.” Damn, he jumped right in on my Hockey Cue. Great pivot. I liked him.

“OK” I said “I’ll try that.”

And then he went on; “There’s an older book, it was popular in the 1960s, called ‘Games People Play.’ Have you heard of it?”

“Yes!” I said “I actually have a copy of that. If I can find it I’ll take a look at it. It’s one of those books I’ve bought but never read. I picked it up at a garage sale.”

“You may get something out of it. So what else is new?” he asked.

“Well,” I said “here’s the big news: I believe that the Sheriff’s Deputies TEASER-ed me when I got arrested.”

“What makes you think that?” he asked.

“There were some strange marks on my back and two matching holes in my shirt, and there’s a TEASER mode called “drive stun” where they don’t shoot the TEASER at you, they just jab the needles into your back and pull the trigger to zap you into submission.”

“Fascinating” he said, channeling his Mr. Spock from Star Trek. “Did you tell your attorney about this?”

“Yeah I told him, but he doesn’t seem too concerned. He says I’m healthy and he doesn’t care what the cops did. He thinks they’re allowed to do whatever it takes to bring me in.” (This was before I changed attorneys.)

“And aren’t they?”

“Yes, of course they are, but in this case they say they didn’t TEASER me and they say the Sheriff’s Department doesn’t even have TEASERs. I asked for the ‘use of force’ report and they’re stonewalling me. They want me to cop a plea, but I’m not ready to do that.”

“A friend of mine suggested I start researching the TEASER,” I went on, “and I have been. It’s wild. When they first started using TEASERs in law enforcement, sometimes all they would have to do is call out to a suspect that they had a TEASER and the suspect would come out with his hands up saying “Please don’t use the TEASER! Please don’t TEASER me!”

“Amazing” he replied.

“Yeah! So then I started web searching it some more. Down in New York City this past summer, a group of police officers were trying to get a crazy guy down from a ledge. He was only on the first floor but that’s, what, 12 or 14 feet up? The idiot Keystone Kops decided to TEASER him. Well what I learned was teasers are designed to cause a feeling of Vertigo. So the guy who was having an episode and was up on the first floor ledge when they TEASER-ed him fell face first into the pavement and died. The cop who ordered the use of the TEASER on the guy was investigated for improper use of force. The cop felt so bad and so guilty that he actually committed suicide.”

“Oh my gosh!” said my anger management guy “That’s insane! Weren’t they trained?”

“Well, that’s what I’m saying. Because my attorney asked the sheriff’s department about me being TEASER-ed, and their answer was that their people don’t have TEASERs. So I’m pretty sure they did TEASER me, or maybe use something else similar to a TEASER. It’s a brand name. TEASER: The Electric Arsenal Stupefying Energy Ray. T.E.A.S.E.R. The generic term is ‘electro-muscular stun device.’ This used to be called a stun gun or cattle prod, but now we have the TEASER. So if these guys in NYC who shot the crazy man who was having an episode on the ledge and didn’t even realize it was just going to make him fall down, what if the sheriff’s TEASER-ed me and have no formal training on this thing, be it a TEASER or a Stinger, Scorpion, Tiger, Snake-Bite; there’s all sorts of them on the market now. They can just buy it online or go across the state lines to Ohio. They’re illegal in this state. A few weeks ago I drove out of state and I saw them advertised on billboards. Next Exit! But I know that’s not why I’m here. I screwed up my life and here I am, on the couch.”

“Well, yes, and I’m glad you got back to that. I can let you go on for a bit, but I can’t let you externalize too much. We do have to get back to you. I think the cops could use their own anger management counseling. I don’t want to take attention off of you, because at the end of the day you did bring this all on yourself. Let’s not be in denial about the root causes of this. However I’m glad you’re safe and I’m glad you didn’t die.”

“Ha! Well, thank you. I, too, am glad I didn’t die.”

“I have a daughter in college, so I need patients with an ‘ents,’ not an ‘ence.'”

‘Damn. This guy’s good,’ I thought.

“Yes,” I concurred, “but just one more fascinating thing I read about the TEASER: it does in fact show up on a pacemaker. I saw a scholarly article, a whole PDF, from a medical journal, about a man had been arrested and TEASER-ed and he had a pacemaker. When his doctor downloaded the data from the pacemaker, which apparently they can do, the TEASER event did show up on the printout. For years The Electric Arsenal company had said that a pacemaker wouldn’t pick up their pulse, because it wasn’t strong enough, but of course they’re going to say that. They want you to think that it’s a safe device. In fact they call it ‘Less Than Lethal’ force. But, my problem with that is this: were they going to shoot me with a gun? I was unarmed, in shorts and t-shirt, and already in cuffs in the back of the squad car. Were they going to shoot me? Then why TEASER me? And there were three Sheriff’s Deputies there and only one of me. Certainly they could control me without using a Taser. On the other hand, my wife did tell me a little bit about what happened. She got there in the middle of it. She said they even hog tied me at one point to get me under control. I do vaguely remember swinging my arms with one handcuff on one arm and no handcuff on the other. I mean, I wouldn’t want to get hit by handcuff in full swing. I better shut up. They can’t subpoena you, right? But, I also read that the TEASER makes you forget; it’s kind of like Electroshock Therapy. It’s a strong zap!”

“Yes,” said Dr X, “also in Electroshock Therapy you’re all tied down, and have a mouthguard so you don’t bite off your tongue. If you were shocked and not tied down, who knows what would happen.”

“Exactly, and my neighbors saw the whole thing too. The little girl saw me, face down on the ground, with the Deputies kneeling on my back and zapping me. She ran to get her mother, my wife told me, and said ‘Mom! They’re beating up Justin!’ The mother came running out and said ‘Stop it! He’s a good father!’ Again, the TEASER is supposed to make you fall down. If I was already on the ground, then TEASER-ing me would not have helped at all.”

“Fascinating” he said again. “But let’s leave this for a bit, we’re almost done for today, I’d like to talk more about you and your wife. How are you getting along?”

“Well, that’s another thing… um… she wants a divorce. She’s been wanting for a divorce for over a year, but I’ve been putting it off. I really don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to be away from my kids. I want us to be a family. But if I had just said ‘sure, let’s get divorced’ when she first brought it up, maybe I wouldn’t be here today.”

“Hmm…” he said “that’s a bit sad. How many of us wish we could turn back the clock. I think that’s a pretty good place to start our next meeting. It’s way too big an issue to into today. I do wish you the best of luck with your case. I am quite intrigued. Be careful at home. You’re out on bail. Always remember that. I’m not an attorney, but know this: the DA wants you to screw up again. You’ll be taken right back to jail and there will be no bail. You could be in jail for whatever is the length of the sentence of your crime.”

“Yeah.” I said. “I get it. Thank you.”